Mother's Day

A number of years ago I had to step out into the foyer with a fussy baby while attending church on Mother's Day. I sat down on the couch next to a good friend of mine, and she was crying. She expressed to me that Mother's Day was really hard for her because nothing about her mothering was working out. She had teenagers who were making choices that caused her pain, she and her husband were struggling in their marriage, perhaps as a result of it. I remember feeling her sadness so deeply.

A few years later, I spent my own time crying through Mother's Days because of my son's choices. I, too, felt like things weren't working out quite like I had hoped and planned for. Through years of struggle, he continues to make choices that could cause me pain, but I have learned that his choices aren't a personal attack on me. I remind myself often that, in life,

"Pain is a given, suffering is optional."

This year I had a wonderful Mother's Day. My husband and kids spoiled me. My daughter called. And my son called. It was in the evening here in California, but he was calling from New York City, so it was very late for him. He said he had just been hanging around, trying to get into a concert, but he and his friends didn't have enough money. His speech was a little slurred, as I have heard it before, and I asked him if he was drunk. He replied that he had been drinking, but he was not drunk. I told him I doubted he would remember anything of our conversation, and he vehemently disagreed. He said he would remember "every bit of it". That's an interesting thing about being drunk, people are often emphatic that the alcohol has no effect.

Regardless of his choices that I would very much rather he not be making, I choose to be grateful for his choice to call me and wish me a happy Mother's Day. That was the best he could offer, and I am grateful for the offering.

Mother's Days past have been quite painful, but this one wasn't. My husband and children bring me so much joy, I can't even express it. Is it hard work and do I still worry about each one of them because of their individual struggles? Absolutely! But, the greatest gift is the effort each of them puts forth each day to live a good life, to build a future for themselves, and to be a contributor to the strength our family.

I even got breakfast in bed-

A Small Christmas Gift

He called.

There is no real lesson here (well, there are probably many lessons, just none listed).  It had been more than a month since my son called home. I didn't know where he was. Last I heard from him, he was in Austin, Texas, and it was a week before Thanksgiving. As a matter of fact, it was on Christmas Day when my daughter and I were texting about how I hadn't heard from him when the phone rang. It was a random number (he always calls from random numbers) and we answered it. It was him. I'm emotional as I write this. It's weird because I go weeks between cries, really. It's just the weight of it. It's a mixed feeling, though, because I'm very happy he called and happy he's alive, and yet still so sad he is so far away from us in every way. He's in Asheville, North Carolina, by the way.

We took a family picture at our big family reunion where he wasn't. We thought it would be funny to tag on Facebook a spot in our picture where he should be. Well, not funny, but it was fitting. He should be there an he isn't.

The ache is dull, but it is still an ache. I am grateful for so much. There are truly so many happy things in our lives. I suppose the aches in our lives are for our growth and learning. And that's why I have continued to blog - to share that learning.

Happy New Year, any followers of my blog!

The Final Score

Lesson: Heavenly Father knows the final score.

Many years ago this story was shared with me and it's message is more powerful now than when I first heard it:

A group of friends shared a love of football, particularly their favorite team. They gathered together at someone's home each week to eat, socialize, and to watch their team play. As luck would have it, one of the men had a business trip and would have to be flying home during the championship game. All of the friends graciously agreed to record the game, not watch a minute of it, and meet at his house later that evening so they could all experience it together.

The man landed, exited the plane, and rushed into the terminal so he could hurry home to his wife and anxious friends. As he was racing through the terminal, he inadvertently glanced up at one of the many television screens and happened to see the final score of the game. He immediately felt panicked because all of his friends had sworn to not watch the game until they could all see it together. Now he knew the final score.

As he entered the house, his wife knew there was something different about him. He wasn't acting like himself. They turned on the game, put out the food, and began watching the game. His wife couldn't help but watch him. While everyone was cheering or yelling at the game, her husband was different, somewhat reserved. She pulled him into the kitchen and asked, "What is wrong? You're not acting like yourself." He assured her he was fine and they went back into the other room to watch the game. As the game wore on, she knew something was up. She again pulled him into the kitchen and accused, "Are you having an affair? What is wrong with you?" He said she was being ridiculous, that, of course, he was not having an affair. "Well, what is it then?" And then, he couldn't keep it in any longer, he blurted "I saw the final score. In the airport. It was just on the screen as I walked by. There was nothing I could do." His wife thought for a minute and then taught him. "So, you know your team won? You know the outcome of the game? Well, how would you be different towards our children if you knew their outcome?"

We're in the middle of the game with our son. Heavenly Father knows the final score and He has given me impressions and feelings that the outcome will be favorable. I don't know what that score will be, but I know that God knows and it will be well. In the meantime, while waiting for the momentum in his game to switch, I try to enjoy where we are now with all the ups and downs of it, and focus on what may yet be.

Mourning

Lesson: There are many periods of grieving for a parent of a struggling child.

Yesterday I read a Facebook status from a dear friend. It was congratulating her son on being accepted into a prestigious dental school. Her son attended preschool with my son. It caused me to reflect on the many times over the last ten years I have mourned for what could have been.  One poignant memory came during a break in a seminar for the Anasazi parents. I was talking to another parent and I said something like, "Well, he has to graduate from high school!" She looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Not necessarily." That thought had never crossed my mind. That he wouldn't or couldn't graduate from high school. That seemed like something everyone does, kind of like breathing. Well, he didn't graduate from high school. I remember when all of his friends participated in senior fun activities, all the parents and extended family in town for the graduation ceremony, and grad night. Not to mention, the buzz for months about where each of his friends was choosing to go to college. That was a period of mourning.

The holidays are here once again and I do not know where my son is. As we trim the tree and drink hot chocolate, there is a little empty spot in my heart. Even though it is a happy time, and we have many happy times at our house, a bit of me mourns, still. It's definitely a process of grieving. We would love to have him with us as we gather. However, I would settle for knowing he is well, and gathered with others he may love.

Parenting 101 or Parenting 505

Years ago I thought if I just prayed hard enough I could get a miracle - my son would be given an Alma the Younger experience. After all, in Mosiah 27:14 it says, "the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth." So, that meant if I prayed hard enough with enough faith, then I could get my miracle. And then I came to think that I must not have prayed enough, or I didn't have enough faith and that's why I couldn't get my miracle. I also hung my hat on 3 Nephi 18:20, "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." So, there it was. What I was asking was definitely right, and I was believing, so it should be given to me, right? Not exactly. Remember when Alma and Amulek prayed that the hearts of the people would be softened and not cast the believers into the fire? And the people were still burned. Certainly Alma and Amulek prayed in faith, and certainly those people were righteous.

When I came to my husband with my desperation that my prayers weren't being answered, he pointed out that my faith needed to not be in my son changing, it needed to be in Jesus Christ. That through His Atonement, ALL will be made right, in His time and in His way. I began to pray to understand this and I found tremendous comfort. Our faith needs to be in the Atonement because it is the only constant.

I learned that I will not be able to change my son, no matter how much I pray, nor how much I plead with him. He is the only one who can change himself. I can only change me. I committed to memory this scripture in Moroni 7:45, "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." There is a lot in that verse. First of all, this challenge required me to suffer LONG. This was not going to be a short thing so I had to figure out how to remain a functioning person. I needed to not envy other families who didn't have this struggle (I realized later that everyone has their own struggles, but at the time, I thought I was the only one.) The "seeketh not her own" meant to me that I no longer pushed my vision of my son's life, I allowed him to have his own vision (this was a process of mourning, though). "Is not easily provoked" meant nothing he did would cause me to react. I chose my responses very carefully. I tried to respond much like Heavenly Father does when we exercise our agency unrighteously - He lets it play out for our learning. (That is hard with a minor, but it can be done.) "Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth," meant no matter how evil his choices were, I found refuge in the gospel and in my understanding that God has a plan in everything that happens. It is known by Him, the end from the beginning and we can trust Him that all will be well no matter how bad it looks today. It is a very freeing thought. And the rest of it means I will endure, and I will be hopeful for better days, and for the joy that will come.

So, how to do this? First of all, see your child as a person with hopes and dreams. Ask him/her what their hopes and dreams are, and ask how you can help him get there. Talk to him in a way that he knows you're on the same team, not against them. Every day pray to see him as God sees him and treat him that way. My husband said it helped him to look at pictures of our son and he was filled with love for him. I didn't feel like that, it just hurt to look at his pictures because I only saw unfulfilled hopes. Whatever works for you to see your child not as he is now but as what he can become.

Bottom line, you can't change your child, but you can change you. And I had to change or I couldn't function.

My professor sent me this quote today by Elder Robbins, "A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Sundays

Lesson: As you're sitting in church, keep in mind that someone is suffering. Pray for them.

Sundays are important at our house. In our faith, we believe in keeping the Sabbath Day holy. That means the whole day. Generations ago, it was called the Holy Sabbath, and then it got dropped to just the Sabbath, and then dropped to Sunday, and now it has become just the weekend. Attending church is the highlight of the Sabbath, but during the pain of my son's choices, it was very different. I'll explain. I remember sitting in our sacrament meeting (which is the main service) and feeling such a heavy weight of sorrow. I would look around at other families who seem to be wonderful and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. I almost felt like I had a scarlet letter affixed to me somehow that everyone could see that I was a failure as a mother and our family was a failure. I felt the absence of my son, because I wanted him to be there with us. Not only did I want him there, I longed for him to want to be there. He wasn't there and he didn't want to be. Many, many Sundays, the tears fell freely during the service. Those were hard times.

The scriptures say, the Lord will "succor" his people. That means, he has descended below any and all pain that we have felt, and he will comfort us in our pain. I discovered this is true, through the singing of hymns in church. Let me share some of my learning:

Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving

Teach us tolerance and love

Let our prayers find access to thee

In thy holy courts above

More holiness give me, More strivings within,

More patience in suffering, More sorry for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer

More purity give me, More strength to over-come

More freedom from earth-stains, More longing for home

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy - More Savior like thee.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still my soul: Thy best, the Heavenly friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; 

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,

If you in meekness plead for his love.

Oh, know you not that angels are near you

From brightest mansions above, above?

These verses may not mean much to you, but I pause each time we happen to sing one of them in church. They brought such comfort. I learned, not only through the words, but from the undeniable feeling in my heart, that the Savior is well aware of my pain. He is my Savior, not just the Savior. He is my elder brother, not just the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The hymns sung were beautiful and the words eloquent. But, the comfort received through the Holy Ghost is indescribable. 

Our First Stop for Help

As I mentioned in previous posts, we decided we were in way over our heads and we got help by taking our son to Anasazi in Mesa, Arizona. You may ask, "How did you get him to go, wasn't he resistant?" Well, he wasn't. I think at that time he wanted help. And, I think it sounded like an adventure. So, we made arrangements with Anasazi and drove him and us to AZ. I remember trying to sleep in the hotel the night before. I couldn't sleep. I worried he would run away in the night. I worried he would change his mind. I worried he wouldn't change his mind. I just worried.

Once he was out on the trail, we, the parents got to attend a two day seminar. It was awesome, and humbling. A few of the notes I took:

As far as I am concerned, this material applies to no one but me.

In terms of others, I should expect that they will be no different.

I was invited to work on my own "walking". I thought how I have always been good at intellectually gathering data, but now was a time I had to learn to listen with my heart. This was definitely going to be a different experience.

They asked us to write a letter to our "young walker". This is part of my letter:

Dear Son,
     To anyone who would listen, I'd tell them what a good boy you are. You've heard me say it countless times. But what I wonder, after learning about the Anasazi way, is what was my heart saying? Whatever I said in words matters nothing if in my heart I don't feel the same way. I'm so very sorry if the damage in our relationship was caused by this.
     While you're on your walking, I have begun mine. Every day, several times each day, I will try to dig deep into my heart, into my soul. Who am I, anyway, if my actions - no matter how good - do not originate from a pure heart.
     The Master said once of well meaning people (like me) "They draw near unto me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." I'm ashamed if this has been me. This will be the basis of my walking.
     On my blanket stepping I had to dig deep to find as much as I could to leave on the old blanket. I found pride, preaching, and the worst, self-righteousness. I left them on the old as I stepped over to the new. I realize this will not be an easy walking for me because it is so embedded in who I am. But I have to try or I'll never have a tender relationship with you, or any of our family, or with God. I will work on it every day. I hope to have many awakenings to help me.

As you can see, the Anasazi way is not punitive in any way. Life is "a walking" and we are all on it. We were invited to look at ourselves, and what we could change with us, not just how to be a better parent. Our goal is to walk forward, and not backward. It is a beautiful, and simple way of living. That doesn't mean we aren't firm as parents when we need to be, that doesn't mean we are blissfully happy at all times. It means, we are at peace in our hearts, that we are right with those around us.

Leaving our son for six weeks, paying for the program, feeling the anguish of what to do now, trying to put on a happy face for our other children when dealing with all of it - this was a very hard time in our lives. But without it, we wouldn't have all the learning we now have. I am not necessarily grateful for the pain. I am, however, very grateful for the learning. I wonder if others feel the same.