Parenting 101 or Parenting 505

Years ago I thought if I just prayed hard enough I could get a miracle - my son would be given an Alma the Younger experience. After all, in Mosiah 27:14 it says, "the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth." So, that meant if I prayed hard enough with enough faith, then I could get my miracle. And then I came to think that I must not have prayed enough, or I didn't have enough faith and that's why I couldn't get my miracle. I also hung my hat on 3 Nephi 18:20, "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." So, there it was. What I was asking was definitely right, and I was believing, so it should be given to me, right? Not exactly. Remember when Alma and Amulek prayed that the hearts of the people would be softened and not cast the believers into the fire? And the people were still burned. Certainly Alma and Amulek prayed in faith, and certainly those people were righteous.

When I came to my husband with my desperation that my prayers weren't being answered, he pointed out that my faith needed to not be in my son changing, it needed to be in Jesus Christ. That through His Atonement, ALL will be made right, in His time and in His way. I began to pray to understand this and I found tremendous comfort. Our faith needs to be in the Atonement because it is the only constant.

I learned that I will not be able to change my son, no matter how much I pray, nor how much I plead with him. He is the only one who can change himself. I can only change me. I committed to memory this scripture in Moroni 7:45, "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." There is a lot in that verse. First of all, this challenge required me to suffer LONG. This was not going to be a short thing so I had to figure out how to remain a functioning person. I needed to not envy other families who didn't have this struggle (I realized later that everyone has their own struggles, but at the time, I thought I was the only one.) The "seeketh not her own" meant to me that I no longer pushed my vision of my son's life, I allowed him to have his own vision (this was a process of mourning, though). "Is not easily provoked" meant nothing he did would cause me to react. I chose my responses very carefully. I tried to respond much like Heavenly Father does when we exercise our agency unrighteously - He lets it play out for our learning. (That is hard with a minor, but it can be done.) "Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth," meant no matter how evil his choices were, I found refuge in the gospel and in my understanding that God has a plan in everything that happens. It is known by Him, the end from the beginning and we can trust Him that all will be well no matter how bad it looks today. It is a very freeing thought. And the rest of it means I will endure, and I will be hopeful for better days, and for the joy that will come.

So, how to do this? First of all, see your child as a person with hopes and dreams. Ask him/her what their hopes and dreams are, and ask how you can help him get there. Talk to him in a way that he knows you're on the same team, not against them. Every day pray to see him as God sees him and treat him that way. My husband said it helped him to look at pictures of our son and he was filled with love for him. I didn't feel like that, it just hurt to look at his pictures because I only saw unfulfilled hopes. Whatever works for you to see your child not as he is now but as what he can become.

Bottom line, you can't change your child, but you can change you. And I had to change or I couldn't function.

My professor sent me this quote today by Elder Robbins, "A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Sundays

Lesson: As you're sitting in church, keep in mind that someone is suffering. Pray for them.

Sundays are important at our house. In our faith, we believe in keeping the Sabbath Day holy. That means the whole day. Generations ago, it was called the Holy Sabbath, and then it got dropped to just the Sabbath, and then dropped to Sunday, and now it has become just the weekend. Attending church is the highlight of the Sabbath, but during the pain of my son's choices, it was very different. I'll explain. I remember sitting in our sacrament meeting (which is the main service) and feeling such a heavy weight of sorrow. I would look around at other families who seem to be wonderful and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. I almost felt like I had a scarlet letter affixed to me somehow that everyone could see that I was a failure as a mother and our family was a failure. I felt the absence of my son, because I wanted him to be there with us. Not only did I want him there, I longed for him to want to be there. He wasn't there and he didn't want to be. Many, many Sundays, the tears fell freely during the service. Those were hard times.

The scriptures say, the Lord will "succor" his people. That means, he has descended below any and all pain that we have felt, and he will comfort us in our pain. I discovered this is true, through the singing of hymns in church. Let me share some of my learning:

Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving

Teach us tolerance and love

Let our prayers find access to thee

In thy holy courts above

More holiness give me, More strivings within,

More patience in suffering, More sorry for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer

More purity give me, More strength to over-come

More freedom from earth-stains, More longing for home

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy - More Savior like thee.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still my soul: Thy best, the Heavenly friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; 

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,

If you in meekness plead for his love.

Oh, know you not that angels are near you

From brightest mansions above, above?

These verses may not mean much to you, but I pause each time we happen to sing one of them in church. They brought such comfort. I learned, not only through the words, but from the undeniable feeling in my heart, that the Savior is well aware of my pain. He is my Savior, not just the Savior. He is my elder brother, not just the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The hymns sung were beautiful and the words eloquent. But, the comfort received through the Holy Ghost is indescribable. 

Our First Stop for Help

As I mentioned in previous posts, we decided we were in way over our heads and we got help by taking our son to Anasazi in Mesa, Arizona. You may ask, "How did you get him to go, wasn't he resistant?" Well, he wasn't. I think at that time he wanted help. And, I think it sounded like an adventure. So, we made arrangements with Anasazi and drove him and us to AZ. I remember trying to sleep in the hotel the night before. I couldn't sleep. I worried he would run away in the night. I worried he would change his mind. I worried he wouldn't change his mind. I just worried.

Once he was out on the trail, we, the parents got to attend a two day seminar. It was awesome, and humbling. A few of the notes I took:

As far as I am concerned, this material applies to no one but me.

In terms of others, I should expect that they will be no different.

I was invited to work on my own "walking". I thought how I have always been good at intellectually gathering data, but now was a time I had to learn to listen with my heart. This was definitely going to be a different experience.

They asked us to write a letter to our "young walker". This is part of my letter:

Dear Son,
     To anyone who would listen, I'd tell them what a good boy you are. You've heard me say it countless times. But what I wonder, after learning about the Anasazi way, is what was my heart saying? Whatever I said in words matters nothing if in my heart I don't feel the same way. I'm so very sorry if the damage in our relationship was caused by this.
     While you're on your walking, I have begun mine. Every day, several times each day, I will try to dig deep into my heart, into my soul. Who am I, anyway, if my actions - no matter how good - do not originate from a pure heart.
     The Master said once of well meaning people (like me) "They draw near unto me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." I'm ashamed if this has been me. This will be the basis of my walking.
     On my blanket stepping I had to dig deep to find as much as I could to leave on the old blanket. I found pride, preaching, and the worst, self-righteousness. I left them on the old as I stepped over to the new. I realize this will not be an easy walking for me because it is so embedded in who I am. But I have to try or I'll never have a tender relationship with you, or any of our family, or with God. I will work on it every day. I hope to have many awakenings to help me.

As you can see, the Anasazi way is not punitive in any way. Life is "a walking" and we are all on it. We were invited to look at ourselves, and what we could change with us, not just how to be a better parent. Our goal is to walk forward, and not backward. It is a beautiful, and simple way of living. That doesn't mean we aren't firm as parents when we need to be, that doesn't mean we are blissfully happy at all times. It means, we are at peace in our hearts, that we are right with those around us.

Leaving our son for six weeks, paying for the program, feeling the anguish of what to do now, trying to put on a happy face for our other children when dealing with all of it - this was a very hard time in our lives. But without it, we wouldn't have all the learning we now have. I am not necessarily grateful for the pain. I am, however, very grateful for the learning. I wonder if others feel the same.

It was all the SAME day

Lesson: It is our choice to change. The situations we face in life are often daunting and we "kick against the pricks" because we don't want to change. We're right. They're wrong. It's powerful to take a step back and see if being right is as important as being at peace.

Ground Hog Day is one of our family's all time favorite movies. I hope you're all familiar with it.

Remember Phil's arrogant personality? Remember day after day (but it was all the same day) he tried to create different results by being the same Phil. No matter how many outward changes he made, Rita saw what he really was inside - a pompous egotistical man. And she didn't want anything to do with him.

Remember the night the old man died? That night was the night Phil found himself. But, remember, it was all the same day.

The town remained the same, day in and day out, each day he experienced it. He was the one who changed.

Our son has been making choices that cause us pain for almost 10 years now. Day after day, year after year we have worried and wondered, prayed and pled. And, in many ways, the days feel like same day, just over and over and over, just like in the movie. He hasn't changed. But we have. My husband is a living testament of unconditional love. I don't think I'm there yet. But, my prayer is to love my son like God loves him, to see him like He sees him. After living the same day for years, maybe I can change, too.

An Invitation for a Change of Heart

Lesson: Sometimes we are unaware of answers. We are often too smart for our own good. We have to seek through suffering and plead through prayer, and there will be answers we did not know existed.

When the time came, and I knew the time had arrived, I did an incredible amount of research on places we could go for help with our son. We saw some family therapists, which I would have to say, were mostly ineffective. The greatest help came when we sent him to Anasazi and we were able to attend the parent seminars.

Everything felt right about Anasazi. The young walkers (my son) were invited to a have a new beginning. We were both invited to have new, forward walkings. After we dropped him off, as parents we were invited to have a "blanket stepping" where we laid down all of our hurt and regret. I think he went through a similar process. The weeks he spent there were powerful for him and for us. They asked my husband and I to write letters to our son's "Shadow" (counselor) that would help her to see who he is. Our Shadow was very special to us, and she asked us to tell her things that would help her see him as a person. She wanted stories about our family and about him growing up. She asked us to write from our hearts. She didn't need to know of the trouble he had caused or the drugs he was using. That didn't matter.

The next few posts will be lessons we learned from our experiences at Anasazi. Yes, I was willing to change and look at things in a different way. I was desperate, in every sense of the word, to find help. They were an oasis in our desert of pain. I can't say enough good about them.

Sacrifice

Lesson: Being part of a family involves sacrifice, and the choices of one family member can have a significant impact on all, for good or bad.

When we were in the thick of our son's choices, and the effects it was having on the whole family, my daughter asked, "Mom, why do we have this trial? Why did we get this?" I had to stop and think about how to respond. I feel the words were given me what I should say. I responded, "Every family is given challenges...these are the cards we're dealt. Some families get the cancer card, others get the unemployment card, some get the divorce card, and yet others get the rebellious teenager card. We don't pick our cards, but we will be held accountable for how we play them."

For a few years, my other children sacrificed a peaceful home and my time and energy because of their brother. One was suffering, so we all suffered. President Hinckley has said, "Great love is built on great sacrifice, and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love." We weren't always happy about the sacrifice, but we grew from it. We learned first hand that it is in struggles that relationships are fired and polished and strengthened. I'm grateful my other children grew from these experiences, and they grew closer together because of them.

The Savior was the ultimate example of sacrifice because He gave his life for us. I love to think of the way He lived his life while here. The Savior taught in beautiful parables.

For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

  Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

When we chose to send him to a residential treatment facility, I had to sacrifice having him in our home for the welfare of the other family members. It was the right thing to do at the time. President Hinckley also said, "The cause of most of man's unhappiness is sacrificing what he wants most for what he wants now." You see, we had to give up our day to day interaction and counseling of our son, to have the chance to have him choose to be part of our eternal family.  That's what our hope was and is – to have an eternal family where we can live forever in never ending happiness – to have eternal life with God. This story isn't written yet, we are just in a difficult chapter.

It's Still Hard

Lesson: It's okay to still miss our children and to want something more for them.

I don't have any great wisdom today. Only emotion. I don't hear from my son very often. He is "on the road" and doesn't have a phone and rarely communicates with us. He isn't being mean, he just is involved in his life and loses track of how long it's been since he's contacted us. A few weeks ago I got a text from a random number that said, "Hey Mom, this is my new phone!" I texted him right back and said "Awesome! How'd you get a phone?" He never responded. This past week I got to wondering what I could do to find out if he was alright (this is a common feeling) so I called the number. I got an automated voicemail. I went about my day as normal.

Today, as I was grabbing my bags, and herding my children to walk into the church building, I happened to look down at my phone and saw there was a text message. It was from him. He said, "Yeah, I got this free phone from a free promo giveaway." Knowing I was on borrowed time, I shot him a quick text that said, "Where are you? Are you safe?" And I walked into the building.

I saw the phone ringing, but it was on silent and I didn't want to answer it in the chapel, so I went out into the hall to call him back. He is in Austin. He is safe. I asked him if he is happy and he said no. He also said he chipped his front tooth somehow and needs to get it fixed (when I asked how it happened, he said he doesn't remember, he just woke up with it. Translation - he was under the influence of something, may have gotten into a fight or some other dangerous activity, and woke up to find his tooth chipped). He said it is hot and muggy and he's uncomfortable. He said he'd like to get to Ft. Worth and settle down for a bit.

This post isn't about what happened. It's about how I felt after it happened. Our phone conversation was very short and uneventful. After we hung up, I went and sat down in church. And then I started to cry, only a little. All the same questions ran through my head. Why is he choosing this life? When will he choose something better? It is almost surreal...I am in church with my other children and my husband, and my son is living such a different life by his choice.

I was left with a feeling of gratitude for my Savior. Because of Him, all will be made right. I don't know what that looks like, but He knows all things. Mormon said, "And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will." (Words of Mormon 1:7)

Family Recreation

Lesson: Wholesome family recreation builds and strengthens our families. When we build connections and memories, we want to be together now and forever. It is worth every effort to make family memories!

Doing fun stuff together as a family is what it's all about! I heard it articulated, I think in a parent seminar, that our teenagers will always connect with someone or something. It can either be us or it can be someone or something else. Despite our best efforts, my oldest son decided to connect with others rather than our family. He pulled away from us and wanted to be with his friends all the time. We were a burden, they were everything. This didn't seem logical to me at all and I didn't know what to do. As the situation worsened, we felt more and more paralyzed. My husband and I didn't go out together because we felt we needed to be home for the other children, and be ready for the next crisis with our son. The whole family and house felt like a dark cloud had settled over us. We remained in this state for many months, maybe a couple of years.

Then, we decided to take our lives back. We wanted our children to enjoy their childhood in our family and we needed to help make that happen. As sad as it was, having our son away for a while was a very good thing. I give a lot of credit to our other children who slowly began to laugh again. The cloud was lifting! We teased, joked, goofed, wrestled, sponge-bobbed, movied...you get the idea. Life was beginning to be fun again.

When our son was in his program, we were able to visit him as a family a few times.  We made every effort to have a ton of fun when we were together. We have many fond memories of those visits. Here are some of our memories -

Shaving cream fight.

 Time in the mountains at the beautiful mountain cabin.

 Can you tell they've been riding quad runners?

 After going out for breakfast for a special birthday.

 Riding segways in Snow Canyon.

 Yep, horseback riding up near Zion National Park.

 Taking little brother for a walk in St. George.

The Family Proclamation I've mentioned before states: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." And all the while building a legacy of memories and example for our children to follow with their own families.

Boundaries

Lesson: Boundaries are critical, and they help our children assume responsibility for their choices.

When my son was still living in Southern California, we had a conversation about jail. I said something like, "If you go back to jail, it will be your choice. And if you choose to go there, we will not visit you." I think he responded with something like, "I would think, if you really loved me, you'd be there for me." I gave it some thought and then said, "My sweet son, it is your choice to be in places that I never want to be in my life. By your choosing to go there, you are choosing to not have us, your family. It is completely your choice, not mine. There is a chasm there I will not cross."

This is an example of a boundary. A few weeks or maybe months later, he was in jail in Orange County, again. Around the same time, we had to drive from San Diego to Orange County to attend a family function, and I drove within five minutes of the jail. I still remember my emotions as I drove past the Fourth Street exit in Santa Ana. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn't visit him that day or any day for the four months he was in jail that time. I wanted desperately to be with him, to talk to him, but I would not go to the jail. I'm very glad I kept my word.

With our rebellious teenagers, we sometimes set boundaries and they break them. My son would often scoff at my consequences because he believes in natural consequences, as do I. Natural consequences take a while to catch up to us, however, and teenagers are on borrowed time. In a span of a few years, they make decisions that will direct their entire adult life, and in some cases, their eternal lives. They don't often have the perspective to see that, so we try to impose consequences to save them from painful results later on. I say "try" because a rebellious teen will often ignore our consequences anyway. We must still try.

With young adults, it's a different story. We are no longer financially responsible for them. They want independence, they should be able to have it. They want to do whatever they want...smoke, drink, use drugs, not work, not go to school, sleep around...so be it. Since our son wanted to participate in these activities, our boundaries were set that he could not live in our home while doing them. We did not want to enable his dangerous behavior. We will help him forever and always, if he chooses to make working choices that better his life.

I quote from Garth and Steve Hanson's book:

"Parents are required to teach their children responsibility for their actions. This is almost always a very hard thing to do and often may involve what seems to be a temporary abandonment. In a very real sense, parents can interfere with their adult children's progress if they cloud their children's ability to see and experience consequences by trying to protect them from those consequences. Our prototype here is Heavenly Father and His response to Adam and Eve's partaking of the forbidden fruit. They did, and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden.

"This consequence not only carried with it an unforgettable message to obey God, but contained a latent teaching experience that could be used by Adam and Eve, if they chose, to become more like God. This would result in Adam and Eve's ultimate reunification with Heavenly Father and in obtaining knowledge they did not posses before the transgression, knowledge they did not possess before the transgression, knowledge that was necessary if they were ever to become like their own divine parents. In allowing the consequence of His children's actions to follow them, Heavenly Father was blessing more than punishing. And it should be so with us."

Boundaries are guard rails not fences.