It's Still Hard

Lesson: It's okay to still miss our children and to want something more for them.

I don't have any great wisdom today. Only emotion. I don't hear from my son very often. He is "on the road" and doesn't have a phone and rarely communicates with us. He isn't being mean, he just is involved in his life and loses track of how long it's been since he's contacted us. A few weeks ago I got a text from a random number that said, "Hey Mom, this is my new phone!" I texted him right back and said "Awesome! How'd you get a phone?" He never responded. This past week I got to wondering what I could do to find out if he was alright (this is a common feeling) so I called the number. I got an automated voicemail. I went about my day as normal.

Today, as I was grabbing my bags, and herding my children to walk into the church building, I happened to look down at my phone and saw there was a text message. It was from him. He said, "Yeah, I got this free phone from a free promo giveaway." Knowing I was on borrowed time, I shot him a quick text that said, "Where are you? Are you safe?" And I walked into the building.

I saw the phone ringing, but it was on silent and I didn't want to answer it in the chapel, so I went out into the hall to call him back. He is in Austin. He is safe. I asked him if he is happy and he said no. He also said he chipped his front tooth somehow and needs to get it fixed (when I asked how it happened, he said he doesn't remember, he just woke up with it. Translation - he was under the influence of something, may have gotten into a fight or some other dangerous activity, and woke up to find his tooth chipped). He said it is hot and muggy and he's uncomfortable. He said he'd like to get to Ft. Worth and settle down for a bit.

This post isn't about what happened. It's about how I felt after it happened. Our phone conversation was very short and uneventful. After we hung up, I went and sat down in church. And then I started to cry, only a little. All the same questions ran through my head. Why is he choosing this life? When will he choose something better? It is almost surreal...I am in church with my other children and my husband, and my son is living such a different life by his choice.

I was left with a feeling of gratitude for my Savior. Because of Him, all will be made right. I don't know what that looks like, but He knows all things. Mormon said, "And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will." (Words of Mormon 1:7)