Boundaries

Lesson: Boundaries are critical, and they help our children assume responsibility for their choices.

When my son was still living in Southern California, we had a conversation about jail. I said something like, "If you go back to jail, it will be your choice. And if you choose to go there, we will not visit you." I think he responded with something like, "I would think, if you really loved me, you'd be there for me." I gave it some thought and then said, "My sweet son, it is your choice to be in places that I never want to be in my life. By your choosing to go there, you are choosing to not have us, your family. It is completely your choice, not mine. There is a chasm there I will not cross."

This is an example of a boundary. A few weeks or maybe months later, he was in jail in Orange County, again. Around the same time, we had to drive from San Diego to Orange County to attend a family function, and I drove within five minutes of the jail. I still remember my emotions as I drove past the Fourth Street exit in Santa Ana. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn't visit him that day or any day for the four months he was in jail that time. I wanted desperately to be with him, to talk to him, but I would not go to the jail. I'm very glad I kept my word.

With our rebellious teenagers, we sometimes set boundaries and they break them. My son would often scoff at my consequences because he believes in natural consequences, as do I. Natural consequences take a while to catch up to us, however, and teenagers are on borrowed time. In a span of a few years, they make decisions that will direct their entire adult life, and in some cases, their eternal lives. They don't often have the perspective to see that, so we try to impose consequences to save them from painful results later on. I say "try" because a rebellious teen will often ignore our consequences anyway. We must still try.

With young adults, it's a different story. We are no longer financially responsible for them. They want independence, they should be able to have it. They want to do whatever they want...smoke, drink, use drugs, not work, not go to school, sleep around...so be it. Since our son wanted to participate in these activities, our boundaries were set that he could not live in our home while doing them. We did not want to enable his dangerous behavior. We will help him forever and always, if he chooses to make working choices that better his life.

I quote from Garth and Steve Hanson's book:

"Parents are required to teach their children responsibility for their actions. This is almost always a very hard thing to do and often may involve what seems to be a temporary abandonment. In a very real sense, parents can interfere with their adult children's progress if they cloud their children's ability to see and experience consequences by trying to protect them from those consequences. Our prototype here is Heavenly Father and His response to Adam and Eve's partaking of the forbidden fruit. They did, and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden.

"This consequence not only carried with it an unforgettable message to obey God, but contained a latent teaching experience that could be used by Adam and Eve, if they chose, to become more like God. This would result in Adam and Eve's ultimate reunification with Heavenly Father and in obtaining knowledge they did not posses before the transgression, knowledge they did not possess before the transgression, knowledge that was necessary if they were ever to become like their own divine parents. In allowing the consequence of His children's actions to follow them, Heavenly Father was blessing more than punishing. And it should be so with us."

Boundaries are guard rails not fences.