Sundays are important at our house. In our faith, we believe in keeping the Sabbath Day holy. That means the whole day. Generations ago, it was called the Holy Sabbath, and then it got dropped to just the Sabbath, and then dropped to Sunday, and now it has become just the weekend. Attending church is the highlight of the Sabbath, but during the pain of my son's choices, it was very different. I'll explain. I remember sitting in our sacrament meeting (which is the main service) and feeling such a heavy weight of sorrow. I would look around at other families who seem to be wonderful and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. I almost felt like I had a scarlet letter affixed to me somehow that everyone could see that I was a failure as a mother and our family was a failure. I felt the absence of my son, because I wanted him to be there with us. Not only did I want him there, I longed for him to want to be there. He wasn't there and he didn't want to be. Many, many Sundays, the tears fell freely during the service. Those were hard times.
The scriptures say, the Lord will "succor" his people. That means, he has descended below any and all pain that we have felt, and he will comfort us in our pain. I discovered this is true, through the singing of hymns in church. Let me share some of my learning:
Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving
Teach us tolerance and love
Let our prayers find access to thee
In thy holy courts above
More holiness give me, More strivings within,
More patience in suffering, More sorry for sin,
More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,
More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer
More purity give me, More strength to over-come
More freedom from earth-stains, More longing for home
More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,
More blessed and holy - More Savior like thee.
Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: Thy best, the Heavenly friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,
If you in meekness plead for his love.
Oh, know you not that angels are near you
From brightest mansions above, above?
These verses may not mean much to you, but I pause each time we happen to sing one of them in church. They brought such comfort. I learned, not only through the words, but from the undeniable feeling in my heart, that the Savior is well aware of my pain. He is my Savior, not just the Savior. He is my elder brother, not just the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The hymns sung were beautiful and the words eloquent. But, the comfort received through the Holy Ghost is indescribable.
The music in church has always been what touches me the most in my most difficult times. That's usually when my tears start flowing. Music is such a great gift God has given us. I am so thankful for it and how it teaches us through the Spirit. You have and are weathering the storm so beautifully.
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