Parenting 101 or Parenting 505

Years ago I thought if I just prayed hard enough I could get a miracle - my son would be given an Alma the Younger experience. After all, in Mosiah 27:14 it says, "the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth." So, that meant if I prayed hard enough with enough faith, then I could get my miracle. And then I came to think that I must not have prayed enough, or I didn't have enough faith and that's why I couldn't get my miracle. I also hung my hat on 3 Nephi 18:20, "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." So, there it was. What I was asking was definitely right, and I was believing, so it should be given to me, right? Not exactly. Remember when Alma and Amulek prayed that the hearts of the people would be softened and not cast the believers into the fire? And the people were still burned. Certainly Alma and Amulek prayed in faith, and certainly those people were righteous.

When I came to my husband with my desperation that my prayers weren't being answered, he pointed out that my faith needed to not be in my son changing, it needed to be in Jesus Christ. That through His Atonement, ALL will be made right, in His time and in His way. I began to pray to understand this and I found tremendous comfort. Our faith needs to be in the Atonement because it is the only constant.

I learned that I will not be able to change my son, no matter how much I pray, nor how much I plead with him. He is the only one who can change himself. I can only change me. I committed to memory this scripture in Moroni 7:45, "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." There is a lot in that verse. First of all, this challenge required me to suffer LONG. This was not going to be a short thing so I had to figure out how to remain a functioning person. I needed to not envy other families who didn't have this struggle (I realized later that everyone has their own struggles, but at the time, I thought I was the only one.) The "seeketh not her own" meant to me that I no longer pushed my vision of my son's life, I allowed him to have his own vision (this was a process of mourning, though). "Is not easily provoked" meant nothing he did would cause me to react. I chose my responses very carefully. I tried to respond much like Heavenly Father does when we exercise our agency unrighteously - He lets it play out for our learning. (That is hard with a minor, but it can be done.) "Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth," meant no matter how evil his choices were, I found refuge in the gospel and in my understanding that God has a plan in everything that happens. It is known by Him, the end from the beginning and we can trust Him that all will be well no matter how bad it looks today. It is a very freeing thought. And the rest of it means I will endure, and I will be hopeful for better days, and for the joy that will come.

So, how to do this? First of all, see your child as a person with hopes and dreams. Ask him/her what their hopes and dreams are, and ask how you can help him get there. Talk to him in a way that he knows you're on the same team, not against them. Every day pray to see him as God sees him and treat him that way. My husband said it helped him to look at pictures of our son and he was filled with love for him. I didn't feel like that, it just hurt to look at his pictures because I only saw unfulfilled hopes. Whatever works for you to see your child not as he is now but as what he can become.

Bottom line, you can't change your child, but you can change you. And I had to change or I couldn't function.

My professor sent me this quote today by Elder Robbins, "A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"