The Final Score

Lesson: Heavenly Father knows the final score.

Many years ago this story was shared with me and it's message is more powerful now than when I first heard it:

A group of friends shared a love of football, particularly their favorite team. They gathered together at someone's home each week to eat, socialize, and to watch their team play. As luck would have it, one of the men had a business trip and would have to be flying home during the championship game. All of the friends graciously agreed to record the game, not watch a minute of it, and meet at his house later that evening so they could all experience it together.

The man landed, exited the plane, and rushed into the terminal so he could hurry home to his wife and anxious friends. As he was racing through the terminal, he inadvertently glanced up at one of the many television screens and happened to see the final score of the game. He immediately felt panicked because all of his friends had sworn to not watch the game until they could all see it together. Now he knew the final score.

As he entered the house, his wife knew there was something different about him. He wasn't acting like himself. They turned on the game, put out the food, and began watching the game. His wife couldn't help but watch him. While everyone was cheering or yelling at the game, her husband was different, somewhat reserved. She pulled him into the kitchen and asked, "What is wrong? You're not acting like yourself." He assured her he was fine and they went back into the other room to watch the game. As the game wore on, she knew something was up. She again pulled him into the kitchen and accused, "Are you having an affair? What is wrong with you?" He said she was being ridiculous, that, of course, he was not having an affair. "Well, what is it then?" And then, he couldn't keep it in any longer, he blurted "I saw the final score. In the airport. It was just on the screen as I walked by. There was nothing I could do." His wife thought for a minute and then taught him. "So, you know your team won? You know the outcome of the game? Well, how would you be different towards our children if you knew their outcome?"

We're in the middle of the game with our son. Heavenly Father knows the final score and He has given me impressions and feelings that the outcome will be favorable. I don't know what that score will be, but I know that God knows and it will be well. In the meantime, while waiting for the momentum in his game to switch, I try to enjoy where we are now with all the ups and downs of it, and focus on what may yet be.

Mourning

Lesson: There are many periods of grieving for a parent of a struggling child.

Yesterday I read a Facebook status from a dear friend. It was congratulating her son on being accepted into a prestigious dental school. Her son attended preschool with my son. It caused me to reflect on the many times over the last ten years I have mourned for what could have been.  One poignant memory came during a break in a seminar for the Anasazi parents. I was talking to another parent and I said something like, "Well, he has to graduate from high school!" She looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Not necessarily." That thought had never crossed my mind. That he wouldn't or couldn't graduate from high school. That seemed like something everyone does, kind of like breathing. Well, he didn't graduate from high school. I remember when all of his friends participated in senior fun activities, all the parents and extended family in town for the graduation ceremony, and grad night. Not to mention, the buzz for months about where each of his friends was choosing to go to college. That was a period of mourning.

The holidays are here once again and I do not know where my son is. As we trim the tree and drink hot chocolate, there is a little empty spot in my heart. Even though it is a happy time, and we have many happy times at our house, a bit of me mourns, still. It's definitely a process of grieving. We would love to have him with us as we gather. However, I would settle for knowing he is well, and gathered with others he may love.

Parenting 101 or Parenting 505

Years ago I thought if I just prayed hard enough I could get a miracle - my son would be given an Alma the Younger experience. After all, in Mosiah 27:14 it says, "the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth." So, that meant if I prayed hard enough with enough faith, then I could get my miracle. And then I came to think that I must not have prayed enough, or I didn't have enough faith and that's why I couldn't get my miracle. I also hung my hat on 3 Nephi 18:20, "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." So, there it was. What I was asking was definitely right, and I was believing, so it should be given to me, right? Not exactly. Remember when Alma and Amulek prayed that the hearts of the people would be softened and not cast the believers into the fire? And the people were still burned. Certainly Alma and Amulek prayed in faith, and certainly those people were righteous.

When I came to my husband with my desperation that my prayers weren't being answered, he pointed out that my faith needed to not be in my son changing, it needed to be in Jesus Christ. That through His Atonement, ALL will be made right, in His time and in His way. I began to pray to understand this and I found tremendous comfort. Our faith needs to be in the Atonement because it is the only constant.

I learned that I will not be able to change my son, no matter how much I pray, nor how much I plead with him. He is the only one who can change himself. I can only change me. I committed to memory this scripture in Moroni 7:45, "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." There is a lot in that verse. First of all, this challenge required me to suffer LONG. This was not going to be a short thing so I had to figure out how to remain a functioning person. I needed to not envy other families who didn't have this struggle (I realized later that everyone has their own struggles, but at the time, I thought I was the only one.) The "seeketh not her own" meant to me that I no longer pushed my vision of my son's life, I allowed him to have his own vision (this was a process of mourning, though). "Is not easily provoked" meant nothing he did would cause me to react. I chose my responses very carefully. I tried to respond much like Heavenly Father does when we exercise our agency unrighteously - He lets it play out for our learning. (That is hard with a minor, but it can be done.) "Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth," meant no matter how evil his choices were, I found refuge in the gospel and in my understanding that God has a plan in everything that happens. It is known by Him, the end from the beginning and we can trust Him that all will be well no matter how bad it looks today. It is a very freeing thought. And the rest of it means I will endure, and I will be hopeful for better days, and for the joy that will come.

So, how to do this? First of all, see your child as a person with hopes and dreams. Ask him/her what their hopes and dreams are, and ask how you can help him get there. Talk to him in a way that he knows you're on the same team, not against them. Every day pray to see him as God sees him and treat him that way. My husband said it helped him to look at pictures of our son and he was filled with love for him. I didn't feel like that, it just hurt to look at his pictures because I only saw unfulfilled hopes. Whatever works for you to see your child not as he is now but as what he can become.

Bottom line, you can't change your child, but you can change you. And I had to change or I couldn't function.

My professor sent me this quote today by Elder Robbins, "A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Sundays

Lesson: As you're sitting in church, keep in mind that someone is suffering. Pray for them.

Sundays are important at our house. In our faith, we believe in keeping the Sabbath Day holy. That means the whole day. Generations ago, it was called the Holy Sabbath, and then it got dropped to just the Sabbath, and then dropped to Sunday, and now it has become just the weekend. Attending church is the highlight of the Sabbath, but during the pain of my son's choices, it was very different. I'll explain. I remember sitting in our sacrament meeting (which is the main service) and feeling such a heavy weight of sorrow. I would look around at other families who seem to be wonderful and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. I almost felt like I had a scarlet letter affixed to me somehow that everyone could see that I was a failure as a mother and our family was a failure. I felt the absence of my son, because I wanted him to be there with us. Not only did I want him there, I longed for him to want to be there. He wasn't there and he didn't want to be. Many, many Sundays, the tears fell freely during the service. Those were hard times.

The scriptures say, the Lord will "succor" his people. That means, he has descended below any and all pain that we have felt, and he will comfort us in our pain. I discovered this is true, through the singing of hymns in church. Let me share some of my learning:

Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving

Teach us tolerance and love

Let our prayers find access to thee

In thy holy courts above

More holiness give me, More strivings within,

More patience in suffering, More sorry for sin,

More faith in my Savior, More sense of his care,

More joy in his service, More purpose in prayer

More purity give me, More strength to over-come

More freedom from earth-stains, More longing for home

More fit for the kingdom, More used would I be,

More blessed and holy - More Savior like thee.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still my soul: Thy best, the Heavenly friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; 

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,

If you in meekness plead for his love.

Oh, know you not that angels are near you

From brightest mansions above, above?

These verses may not mean much to you, but I pause each time we happen to sing one of them in church. They brought such comfort. I learned, not only through the words, but from the undeniable feeling in my heart, that the Savior is well aware of my pain. He is my Savior, not just the Savior. He is my elder brother, not just the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The hymns sung were beautiful and the words eloquent. But, the comfort received through the Holy Ghost is indescribable. 

Our First Stop for Help

As I mentioned in previous posts, we decided we were in way over our heads and we got help by taking our son to Anasazi in Mesa, Arizona. You may ask, "How did you get him to go, wasn't he resistant?" Well, he wasn't. I think at that time he wanted help. And, I think it sounded like an adventure. So, we made arrangements with Anasazi and drove him and us to AZ. I remember trying to sleep in the hotel the night before. I couldn't sleep. I worried he would run away in the night. I worried he would change his mind. I worried he wouldn't change his mind. I just worried.

Once he was out on the trail, we, the parents got to attend a two day seminar. It was awesome, and humbling. A few of the notes I took:

As far as I am concerned, this material applies to no one but me.

In terms of others, I should expect that they will be no different.

I was invited to work on my own "walking". I thought how I have always been good at intellectually gathering data, but now was a time I had to learn to listen with my heart. This was definitely going to be a different experience.

They asked us to write a letter to our "young walker". This is part of my letter:

Dear Son,
     To anyone who would listen, I'd tell them what a good boy you are. You've heard me say it countless times. But what I wonder, after learning about the Anasazi way, is what was my heart saying? Whatever I said in words matters nothing if in my heart I don't feel the same way. I'm so very sorry if the damage in our relationship was caused by this.
     While you're on your walking, I have begun mine. Every day, several times each day, I will try to dig deep into my heart, into my soul. Who am I, anyway, if my actions - no matter how good - do not originate from a pure heart.
     The Master said once of well meaning people (like me) "They draw near unto me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." I'm ashamed if this has been me. This will be the basis of my walking.
     On my blanket stepping I had to dig deep to find as much as I could to leave on the old blanket. I found pride, preaching, and the worst, self-righteousness. I left them on the old as I stepped over to the new. I realize this will not be an easy walking for me because it is so embedded in who I am. But I have to try or I'll never have a tender relationship with you, or any of our family, or with God. I will work on it every day. I hope to have many awakenings to help me.

As you can see, the Anasazi way is not punitive in any way. Life is "a walking" and we are all on it. We were invited to look at ourselves, and what we could change with us, not just how to be a better parent. Our goal is to walk forward, and not backward. It is a beautiful, and simple way of living. That doesn't mean we aren't firm as parents when we need to be, that doesn't mean we are blissfully happy at all times. It means, we are at peace in our hearts, that we are right with those around us.

Leaving our son for six weeks, paying for the program, feeling the anguish of what to do now, trying to put on a happy face for our other children when dealing with all of it - this was a very hard time in our lives. But without it, we wouldn't have all the learning we now have. I am not necessarily grateful for the pain. I am, however, very grateful for the learning. I wonder if others feel the same.

It was all the SAME day

Lesson: It is our choice to change. The situations we face in life are often daunting and we "kick against the pricks" because we don't want to change. We're right. They're wrong. It's powerful to take a step back and see if being right is as important as being at peace.

Ground Hog Day is one of our family's all time favorite movies. I hope you're all familiar with it.

Remember Phil's arrogant personality? Remember day after day (but it was all the same day) he tried to create different results by being the same Phil. No matter how many outward changes he made, Rita saw what he really was inside - a pompous egotistical man. And she didn't want anything to do with him.

Remember the night the old man died? That night was the night Phil found himself. But, remember, it was all the same day.

The town remained the same, day in and day out, each day he experienced it. He was the one who changed.

Our son has been making choices that cause us pain for almost 10 years now. Day after day, year after year we have worried and wondered, prayed and pled. And, in many ways, the days feel like same day, just over and over and over, just like in the movie. He hasn't changed. But we have. My husband is a living testament of unconditional love. I don't think I'm there yet. But, my prayer is to love my son like God loves him, to see him like He sees him. After living the same day for years, maybe I can change, too.

An Invitation for a Change of Heart

Lesson: Sometimes we are unaware of answers. We are often too smart for our own good. We have to seek through suffering and plead through prayer, and there will be answers we did not know existed.

When the time came, and I knew the time had arrived, I did an incredible amount of research on places we could go for help with our son. We saw some family therapists, which I would have to say, were mostly ineffective. The greatest help came when we sent him to Anasazi and we were able to attend the parent seminars.

Everything felt right about Anasazi. The young walkers (my son) were invited to a have a new beginning. We were both invited to have new, forward walkings. After we dropped him off, as parents we were invited to have a "blanket stepping" where we laid down all of our hurt and regret. I think he went through a similar process. The weeks he spent there were powerful for him and for us. They asked my husband and I to write letters to our son's "Shadow" (counselor) that would help her to see who he is. Our Shadow was very special to us, and she asked us to tell her things that would help her see him as a person. She wanted stories about our family and about him growing up. She asked us to write from our hearts. She didn't need to know of the trouble he had caused or the drugs he was using. That didn't matter.

The next few posts will be lessons we learned from our experiences at Anasazi. Yes, I was willing to change and look at things in a different way. I was desperate, in every sense of the word, to find help. They were an oasis in our desert of pain. I can't say enough good about them.

Sacrifice

Lesson: Being part of a family involves sacrifice, and the choices of one family member can have a significant impact on all, for good or bad.

When we were in the thick of our son's choices, and the effects it was having on the whole family, my daughter asked, "Mom, why do we have this trial? Why did we get this?" I had to stop and think about how to respond. I feel the words were given me what I should say. I responded, "Every family is given challenges...these are the cards we're dealt. Some families get the cancer card, others get the unemployment card, some get the divorce card, and yet others get the rebellious teenager card. We don't pick our cards, but we will be held accountable for how we play them."

For a few years, my other children sacrificed a peaceful home and my time and energy because of their brother. One was suffering, so we all suffered. President Hinckley has said, "Great love is built on great sacrifice, and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love." We weren't always happy about the sacrifice, but we grew from it. We learned first hand that it is in struggles that relationships are fired and polished and strengthened. I'm grateful my other children grew from these experiences, and they grew closer together because of them.

The Savior was the ultimate example of sacrifice because He gave his life for us. I love to think of the way He lived his life while here. The Savior taught in beautiful parables.

For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

  Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

When we chose to send him to a residential treatment facility, I had to sacrifice having him in our home for the welfare of the other family members. It was the right thing to do at the time. President Hinckley also said, "The cause of most of man's unhappiness is sacrificing what he wants most for what he wants now." You see, we had to give up our day to day interaction and counseling of our son, to have the chance to have him choose to be part of our eternal family.  That's what our hope was and is – to have an eternal family where we can live forever in never ending happiness – to have eternal life with God. This story isn't written yet, we are just in a difficult chapter.

It's Still Hard

Lesson: It's okay to still miss our children and to want something more for them.

I don't have any great wisdom today. Only emotion. I don't hear from my son very often. He is "on the road" and doesn't have a phone and rarely communicates with us. He isn't being mean, he just is involved in his life and loses track of how long it's been since he's contacted us. A few weeks ago I got a text from a random number that said, "Hey Mom, this is my new phone!" I texted him right back and said "Awesome! How'd you get a phone?" He never responded. This past week I got to wondering what I could do to find out if he was alright (this is a common feeling) so I called the number. I got an automated voicemail. I went about my day as normal.

Today, as I was grabbing my bags, and herding my children to walk into the church building, I happened to look down at my phone and saw there was a text message. It was from him. He said, "Yeah, I got this free phone from a free promo giveaway." Knowing I was on borrowed time, I shot him a quick text that said, "Where are you? Are you safe?" And I walked into the building.

I saw the phone ringing, but it was on silent and I didn't want to answer it in the chapel, so I went out into the hall to call him back. He is in Austin. He is safe. I asked him if he is happy and he said no. He also said he chipped his front tooth somehow and needs to get it fixed (when I asked how it happened, he said he doesn't remember, he just woke up with it. Translation - he was under the influence of something, may have gotten into a fight or some other dangerous activity, and woke up to find his tooth chipped). He said it is hot and muggy and he's uncomfortable. He said he'd like to get to Ft. Worth and settle down for a bit.

This post isn't about what happened. It's about how I felt after it happened. Our phone conversation was very short and uneventful. After we hung up, I went and sat down in church. And then I started to cry, only a little. All the same questions ran through my head. Why is he choosing this life? When will he choose something better? It is almost surreal...I am in church with my other children and my husband, and my son is living such a different life by his choice.

I was left with a feeling of gratitude for my Savior. Because of Him, all will be made right. I don't know what that looks like, but He knows all things. Mormon said, "And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will." (Words of Mormon 1:7)

Family Recreation

Lesson: Wholesome family recreation builds and strengthens our families. When we build connections and memories, we want to be together now and forever. It is worth every effort to make family memories!

Doing fun stuff together as a family is what it's all about! I heard it articulated, I think in a parent seminar, that our teenagers will always connect with someone or something. It can either be us or it can be someone or something else. Despite our best efforts, my oldest son decided to connect with others rather than our family. He pulled away from us and wanted to be with his friends all the time. We were a burden, they were everything. This didn't seem logical to me at all and I didn't know what to do. As the situation worsened, we felt more and more paralyzed. My husband and I didn't go out together because we felt we needed to be home for the other children, and be ready for the next crisis with our son. The whole family and house felt like a dark cloud had settled over us. We remained in this state for many months, maybe a couple of years.

Then, we decided to take our lives back. We wanted our children to enjoy their childhood in our family and we needed to help make that happen. As sad as it was, having our son away for a while was a very good thing. I give a lot of credit to our other children who slowly began to laugh again. The cloud was lifting! We teased, joked, goofed, wrestled, sponge-bobbed, movied...you get the idea. Life was beginning to be fun again.

When our son was in his program, we were able to visit him as a family a few times.  We made every effort to have a ton of fun when we were together. We have many fond memories of those visits. Here are some of our memories -

Shaving cream fight.

 Time in the mountains at the beautiful mountain cabin.

 Can you tell they've been riding quad runners?

 After going out for breakfast for a special birthday.

 Riding segways in Snow Canyon.

 Yep, horseback riding up near Zion National Park.

 Taking little brother for a walk in St. George.

The Family Proclamation I've mentioned before states: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." And all the while building a legacy of memories and example for our children to follow with their own families.

Boundaries

Lesson: Boundaries are critical, and they help our children assume responsibility for their choices.

When my son was still living in Southern California, we had a conversation about jail. I said something like, "If you go back to jail, it will be your choice. And if you choose to go there, we will not visit you." I think he responded with something like, "I would think, if you really loved me, you'd be there for me." I gave it some thought and then said, "My sweet son, it is your choice to be in places that I never want to be in my life. By your choosing to go there, you are choosing to not have us, your family. It is completely your choice, not mine. There is a chasm there I will not cross."

This is an example of a boundary. A few weeks or maybe months later, he was in jail in Orange County, again. Around the same time, we had to drive from San Diego to Orange County to attend a family function, and I drove within five minutes of the jail. I still remember my emotions as I drove past the Fourth Street exit in Santa Ana. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn't visit him that day or any day for the four months he was in jail that time. I wanted desperately to be with him, to talk to him, but I would not go to the jail. I'm very glad I kept my word.

With our rebellious teenagers, we sometimes set boundaries and they break them. My son would often scoff at my consequences because he believes in natural consequences, as do I. Natural consequences take a while to catch up to us, however, and teenagers are on borrowed time. In a span of a few years, they make decisions that will direct their entire adult life, and in some cases, their eternal lives. They don't often have the perspective to see that, so we try to impose consequences to save them from painful results later on. I say "try" because a rebellious teen will often ignore our consequences anyway. We must still try.

With young adults, it's a different story. We are no longer financially responsible for them. They want independence, they should be able to have it. They want to do whatever they want...smoke, drink, use drugs, not work, not go to school, sleep around...so be it. Since our son wanted to participate in these activities, our boundaries were set that he could not live in our home while doing them. We did not want to enable his dangerous behavior. We will help him forever and always, if he chooses to make working choices that better his life.

I quote from Garth and Steve Hanson's book:

"Parents are required to teach their children responsibility for their actions. This is almost always a very hard thing to do and often may involve what seems to be a temporary abandonment. In a very real sense, parents can interfere with their adult children's progress if they cloud their children's ability to see and experience consequences by trying to protect them from those consequences. Our prototype here is Heavenly Father and His response to Adam and Eve's partaking of the forbidden fruit. They did, and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden.

"This consequence not only carried with it an unforgettable message to obey God, but contained a latent teaching experience that could be used by Adam and Eve, if they chose, to become more like God. This would result in Adam and Eve's ultimate reunification with Heavenly Father and in obtaining knowledge they did not posses before the transgression, knowledge they did not possess before the transgression, knowledge that was necessary if they were ever to become like their own divine parents. In allowing the consequence of His children's actions to follow them, Heavenly Father was blessing more than punishing. And it should be so with us."

Boundaries are guard rails not fences.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Hilary Weeks singing "Beautiful Heartbreak."

The title seems likes an oxymoron. How could those two words go together.

What a powerful lesson...to turn sorrows into joys.

My sign would say "Lost my son to drugs. For now."

Quitting is Not an Option

Lesson: As difficult as it is to parent a rebellious teen or young adult, our parental stewardship remains.

Many years ago, I approached a friend to console her after the untimely passing of her son. I wanted to offer something...some words of condolence or encouragement. Cancer is no respecter of persons. So tragic! He was her only son and I felt deep sorrow for her loss. I approached her and expressed my sorrow, and her reply will stay with me forever. She said, "There are worse things than death, and you're living it." My life at that time was a living nightmare for my own son. She was sweet to think of me instead of her own needs.

I have often wanted to quit. The scriptures talk about how people used to "rend their clothes" as a sign of simply being done with something or someone.

Judges 11:35

35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: 

I have felt as this father, and wondered if I were justified in my actions. As I searched the scriptures, prayed, and sought direction in the Lord's house, the answer has come slowly and clearly. I am never done. This phrase is repeated throughout scripture:

Isaiah 9:17

For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still. 

In the Book of Mormon, there was a prophet named Jacob who quotes the prophet Zenos who gave us an allegory. It is called The Allegory of the Olive Tree. It is difficult for me to understand, but it describes the scattering and gathering of the house of Israel. As I read this (very long) Chapter 5, recently, I was struck with another common phrase.

"watch the tree, and nourish it,"

"this long time have I nourished it,"

"I have nourished it this long time,"

"I have nourished this tree like unto the others."

"Let us prune it, and dig about it, and nourish it a little longer, that perhaps is may bring forth good fruit unto thee,"

"And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto his servant: The tree profiteth me nothing, and the roots thereof profit me nothing so long as it shall bring forth evil fruit. Nevertheless, I know that the roots are good,"

"The Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: 'What could I have done more for my vineyard?"

"But, behold, the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: Spare it a little longer."

"And the Lord said: Yea, I will spare it a little longer, for it grieveth me that I should lose the trees of my vineyard."

"I may yet have glory in the fruit of my vineyard."

"And blessed art thou; for because ye have been diligent in laboring with me in my vineyard, and have kept my commandments, ...behold ye shall have joy with me."

The Lord never gives up on us, ever. And we cannot ever give up on our wayward child. It would be so much easier. It would protect us from pain. But it is not His way, nor can it be our way.

Bad News

Lesson: You never get used to hearing bad news. As the years roll on, I am thankful I have been able to move on and not feel debilitated by sadness over my son's choices. It helps that he doesn't live at home and I don't see the choices first hand. I mostly don't even know the choices he is making, and I'm sure that's best.

For years, every time the phone rang I feared bad news, simply because that's how a lot of it came. I'm glad that has faded and I no longer fear the phone as I once did. But, I will never forget that feeling. I also do not cry as much as I once did. This day was different...the phone rang again, and I cried again. A lot.

This was a post I made on our family's blog just after Father's Day this year.

The burden is heavy today.

Mark called his dad last night for Father's Day. And his dad told him about a phone call they had received this week.  Apparently, a woman was walking her dog in some small town in Montana. As they were walking, she heard another dog barking incessantly, so she went to investigate. There she found a man, lying unconscious with his dog tied around his waist. The dog was barking non-stop, I imagine to alert someone (like a Lassie story) or maybe the dog was simply hungry. Anyway, the woman called an ambulance and the man was taken to the hospital. He was passed out from intoxication. After he was released from the hospital, she paid for him to stay a night in a hotel. The man is my son, Dallin. I don't know the woman.

I have been flooded with emotion since I heard this story. And I can't get the image out of my mind of him lying on the ground with his dog tied to him. Why is Dallin so dumb? I'm angry and ashamed at him. This good woman had to give so much, for which I am grateful, because my son is an irresponsible person. Mark says he is an alcoholic. The burden is so heavy for me to carry today. Most days it isn't. Most days I realize that Dallin is free to make his own choices and he has to own those choices. Most days I can separate my life from his, knowing that someday, because of the Atonement, it will all be made right. But that is not how I feel today. I feel pain and sadness in every part of my body. I cried myself to sleep last night, praying that sleep would come fast because that is the only escape from the sadness. Dallin is so kind and so handsome and he has such promise. Why won't he do something, anything positive with his life? I don't know the answer and it's extremely frustrating to me, almost more than I can bear at times.

This morning I was reminded of a scripture: "I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry. And I know that the Lord God will consecrate my prayers for the gain of my people." (2 Nephi 33:3-4) I KNOW this to be true and it carries me through every day. But sometimes the burden is just super heavy to carry. Today is one of those days.

Every time I have these days, my mind goes back to when Dallin was little. I think of reading books to him for hours and hours. I think of him coloring at the kitchen table with Caitlin. I think of swinging on swings at the park. And I wonder how did we ever get from there to here. Those days held such promise. And today holds such pain.

But, I will go on, like I always do. There is much to be grateful for in my life.

How Do You Know?

Lesson: You don't know. But there behaviors to watch for. Mother's intuition cannot be overstated, as well. If you know of some inappropriate things your child is doing, I can absolutely guarantee it's only the tip of the ice berg.

Some things to look for:
-mood swings
-different friends he's highly protective of
-school performance dropping
-change in physical health - is he more/less hungry, etc.
-evidence - check the medicine cabinet
-attitude

I can often tell just by looking at my children if things are alright or not. Compare these pictures. And focus on the countenance (definition: appearance, especially the look or expression of the face). You can tell a lot.

A week before sent to the program.

 

 Just before graduating from a residential treatment program.

10 months ago.

I wonder if other people notice this about their children.

A wise family member offered this: "I can also tell a lot by how much time a child will spend with [his/her mom or me].  If they always hang with friends and never at our  home, they are probably involved in things we would not approve of.  If they are angry with us for no good reason, it's probably because they are uncomfortable (is that the right word?) being around us because of their choices, actions and behavior."

Blame

Lesson: Most parents try their very best. Our very best efforts ARE enough. In this life, pain is a given; suffering is optional. Think about that for a minute. We cannot carry our children's choices around with us as painful baggage.

I have often had people compliment me on my children, that is, some of my children. Even the tough one, they have complimented because he has a heart of gold. I often don't feel worthy of compliments. I have often wondered where I went wrong to have a son go so far off the path we had hoped for him.

I read a book (in a few hours, from cover to cover) written by a friend. It is called "Principles of Love: How to Successfully Parent Your Adult Children" by Garth A. Hanson, and Steve D. Hanson. While the title doesn't seem to apply directly to my rebellious teen (who is now an adult), every principle in this book helped me.  (It is out of print, but it can be purchased on Amazon through the used book thing.)

Anyway, in the first chapter of the book, it addresses my thoughts about receiving compliments for my children. If you give me credit for what some of my children are doing, you have to give me the blame for what my son is doing. And I don't really want either one.

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I know each one of us has a purpose here one earth. We all have things to learn so we can prepare to return to God and become more like Him. There is a specific plan for me, a specific plan for my husband, and each of my children. We each have experiences and make choices and through these we learn. I have made parenting choices, and while I often rethink them and wonder if there is more I could've done or more I can do now, I realize I only have control over me. Further, I will only answer to God for my choices, not my children's choices. That will be their job.

This has been a liberating idea. When my son was in his two programs, we were fortunate enough to go through a series of seminars. This idea of agency and being accountable was repeated throughout all of our learning. It is difficult, at times, to apply this to parenthood because we want someone or something to blame for things not turning out the way we'd hoped. I can tell you, from experience, that does no good at all.

The Effects on Our Marriage by T

I married a very good man. I didn't know how good when I married him. Adversity definitely takes a toll on a marriage. And we don't choose the challenges we get. We only hope we're strong enough to handle them when they come. But when we faced the unthinkable - that of losing a child to drugs - neither of us really knew what to do.

My husband had a lot of stress at work during this time, but couldn't be productive at all for worry about what was going on at home. I was working part time and doing all the things to keep our household running, but my mind was always working on preparing for what was coming next. Would my son be coming home high? Would he keep his word and be home on time? If he didn't come home, do we go get him? Will he fail school? Who was he hanging out with? What effect was this whole thing having on our other children? How could I keep my home from being overrun with contention?

I had always invested a lot of time in my relationship with my son. We would talk for hours, just like I did with my dad when I was growing up. When our son really started making rebellious choices, I actually thought if I invested more time, I could influence change. I felt it was like the parable of the lost sheep, and I was leaving the ninety and nine to save the one. I learned this parable didn't necessarily apply in our case. Because while leaving the ninety and nine, I left my husband and three other children to fend for themselves. I seriously think I gave 90% of my physical, emotional and spiritual energy to my son, with 10% left over for my husband and other children.

I felt my husband and I should talk more to our son and try to convince him there was a better way. My husband thought our son already knew what was right and there needed to be consequences for his actions. I am describing our relationship in the extreme, but our different parenting viewpoints were polarizing to our marriage. Because of my husband's love for me, he let me do what I felt I needed to do. Consequently, he and I grew apart. I was pleading with the Lord for help, for understanding. I gleaned little glimpses of understanding while reading my scriptures, pondering while driving in the car, and many other times. But, we weren't together in facing this challenge. And this was no time to be going at it alone.

It wasn't until my son was out of the house at a treatment program that I really began to understand the toll it was taking on my marriage. I understood that my marriage should be paramount to any other relationship but I didn't know how to do that, while still investing the time I felt was needed for my son. I felt broken and our marriage felt wounded. I'm grateful my husband and I had a close relationship before this trial began, and we needed to get back to that if we were going to help our family heal.

Lessons learned: Heavenly Father knew we were going to face this trial long before it happened. He knew this trial was an invitation to come to know Him better. It was a chance for us to learn to rely on Jesus Christ. This is not just a "feel good" belief, but a real, actual doctrine on which to hang all our hopes. If we are to achieve a oneness in marriage, like the Father has with the Son, we had to look to each other and look to God. This was difficult because for so long I had relied on me. I would ask my husband for his counsel, but I really only wanted him to confirm my feelings. I needed to humble myself (even more than this trial already had). I finally began to listen to him (he always listened to me) and we began to work together. It was a trying time for our marriage, but I would say we are definitely stronger because of it.

February 2003 The Beginning by T

We had just finished attending a Saturday evening church meeting, called Stake Conference. I had been one of the speakers and I was very glad to have that behind me. While walking out of the building, a mother of a teenage daughter who knew my son came up to speak to me and my husband. I imagine it was difficult for her to broach the subject and I don't really remember how she started the conversation but she said something like, "Do you know your son is using drugs?" I had to take a double take because I thought I couldn't have heard her correctly. This was a woman I knew, but I didn't know well and in my mind I was quickly processing all my possible responses. I think I asked her to repeat herself and afterward I was a little incredulous. I assured her that he was a little rough around the edges but he would never use drugs. We were both trying to simply be friendly, after all we hadn't ever really spoken at length, although she was someone of whom I thought highly. I'm sure she was just thinking of me and trying to be helpful, but I was offended. And in serious denial. After I repeated that I was pretty certain he wouldn't use drugs, she responded, "I hope not, but you should check his backpack."


I was numb as we drove home, and my mind was racing. I thought, "No way! This can't be true! We would know. He's not that dumb. Not my son. He would never hurt us like that," And many other thoughts of denial. This was not happening. We arrived home and confronted him. Sure enough, there was a bottle in his back pack and in the bottle were the foam from ear buds and in the foam were a couple of pills. He said he was "holding them for a friend." Uh huh. 


Monday morning I was on the phone with our pediatrician. He had been our doctor since the kids were babies. I told him what the bottle said (I don't remember now) and what the pills looked like. He said he had to call a colleague and he would call me back. The results were undetermined. He said his colleague thought it was a form of ibuprofen or something. I thought, at least it wasn't speed or something more serious, because that was the most serious drug I knew.


Regardless, out nightmare had begun.


Lessons - I had always been taught, and the truth of it burns deep in my heart, that "In the pre-mortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life." Simply put, we lived with God before we came to earth, and this earth life is for us to gain experience and grow to prepare to return to Him. That means that my son will have experiences that will invite him to grow and he'll make choices that cause him to grow. And, as we watch the painful choices unfold, we, too, are invited to learn and grow. This learning has been by far the most painful I have ever had. Based on my knowledge of our purpose here on earth, I finally came to to know I could, in fact, rely on my Savior. In the coming months and years, I found great comfort in the Savior's words in Matthew 11, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

October 2004 By T

Our son had been in the residential treatment program for one whole year. We had attended many seminars to learn about ourselves and the choices in our lives. What a blessing those seminars were! Our family had had time to heal from the chaos of our previous home life. Laughter had returned. We added a new baby to our family. Our home had a spirit and a peace about it that we didn't think possible.

We wanted to share all of this with our son and were invited to visit him in his program. Here are some photos from that first visit as a family.

We surprised him in his group.

First hug.

 Meeting his new little brother.

 Getting to know each other.

 Do we have to say goodbye?

 We had to leave. He needed to finish what he started.

Lesson: "The family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." We are a family and we know our importance to God. We also know each of us has an eternal destiny. That path looks different for every person and every family. We also know we are here to "gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize [our] destiny as an heir of eternal life." The time in the program was a happy time because we were free from the stress and chaos of having rebellion in our home. And we were all learning so much. Many years have passed since these pictures were taken. Yet, we know we are a family and we matter to God.

August 2006 By T

Orange County Jail. The words made me cringe just to think them. I was the one who felt like a criminal as I approached the officer behind the glass to show my I.D. to be admitted. After waiting for what seemed hours, I was invited to pass through the metal detector and walk down the long hallway to the visiting area. The long hallway was white, ironically, and as I walked, I felt the evil of that place pressing on my heart. There was nothing "white" about this place; it was as dark as I had ever felt.


I was assigned a booth, I guess I would call it. It wasn't enclosed. It was a seat at a counter. Each booth was separated by a piece of wood, a small wall to separate me from the next visitor. On the wall was a phone handset, in front of me was a glass window, and opposite my wall with a phone, was another wall with a phone. As I sat there for a long time, I was completely overcome with emotion. In my mind I replayed hundreds of scenes of his life, my life, our family's life. I saw us all at the park, me swinging him when he was three, or him swinging his sister when he was a little older. I flashed to times sitting on the couch while I was feeding a baby and reading to him. For hours. I could see him helping his dad mow the lawn. I could see the huge messes he would make with his toys all over his room (and my room, and the bathroom, and the family room). These were the happy memories, but at this very moment, the memories were painful. More pain than I had ever felt before. How did we get here?


The wait, sitting there, was really long. I don't know how long, but long. Then, men (when did my boy become a man?) began filing in behind the windows. They were all dressed in orange jumpsuits. When he sat down and saw me, he, too, started to cry. He motioned for his dad to pick up the phone. And he asked, (I really believe out of love for me), "Dad, why did you bring Mom here?"


I'm crying as I relive this in writing. I don't know if I've ever written this down before. I'll have to check my journal. Some things I've been through were just too painful to write. I really should remember. Not the pain, but the lessons. That's what I hope this blog will be about. Lessons in no particular order.


Lesson 1: A jail is somewhere I never want to go again (even though I think I've been twice or three times now). However, that is beside the point. Important lesson - My life does not look like I had hoped. And that's okay. His choices, while painful to me, can be separate from mine. This lesson I will probably visit many times on this blog because I have had to learn it over and over again.

I Am All About Family

This is our little family in December 2010. My family means everything to me. It is what I live for, what I work for, what I pray for. It is why I do what I do every day. If I ever have found myself low enough to not care about myself, they are the reason I keep going.


I am in a college class about strengthening families. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and in this class we are studying a document called The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I have received a tremendous amount of comfort in studying the scriptures, as well as praying for inspiration to help me through the tumultuous parts of raising my family. I take comfort in

Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 

I also have read the Savior's parable of the prodigal son in Luke Chapter 15, many, many times.

11 And he said, A certain man had two sons:

 12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

 13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

 14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

 17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

The parable has a happy ending, in that the Prodigal returns! People who have gone through this have said, "He will only change once he hits bottom." Well, we continue to wait for him to find that bottom. In the words of the parable, I am waiting for him "to come unto himself." When he becomes truly humble, as the son in the parable, he will want something different for himself.


There have been and continue to be many joys in our life as a couple and a family. Through all the sorrows and joys there have been many lessons. I hope you will find some comfort in the lessons  shared on this blog. I invite you to share lessons you've learned, as well.