Lesson: Most parents try their very best. Our very best efforts ARE enough. In this life, pain is a given; suffering is optional. Think about that for a minute. We cannot carry our children's choices around with us as painful baggage.
I have often had people compliment me on my children, that is, some of my children. Even the tough one, they have complimented because he has a heart of gold. I often don't feel worthy of compliments. I have often wondered where I went wrong to have a son go so far off the path we had hoped for him.
I read a book (in a few hours, from cover to cover) written by a friend. It is called "Principles of Love: How to Successfully Parent Your Adult Children" by Garth A. Hanson, and Steve D. Hanson. While the title doesn't seem to apply directly to my rebellious teen (who is now an adult), every principle in this book helped me. (It is out of print, but it can be purchased on Amazon through the used book thing.)
Anyway, in the first chapter of the book, it addresses my thoughts about receiving compliments for my children. If you give me credit for what some of my children are doing, you have to give me the blame for what my son is doing. And I don't really want either one.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I know each one of us has a purpose here one earth. We all have things to learn so we can prepare to return to God and become more like Him. There is a specific plan for me, a specific plan for my husband, and each of my children. We each have experiences and make choices and through these we learn. I have made parenting choices, and while I often rethink them and wonder if there is more I could've done or more I can do now, I realize I only have control over me. Further, I will only answer to God for my choices, not my children's choices. That will be their job.
This has been a liberating idea. When my son was in his two programs, we were fortunate enough to go through a series of seminars. This idea of agency and being accountable was repeated throughout all of our learning. It is difficult, at times, to apply this to parenthood because we want someone or something to blame for things not turning out the way we'd hoped. I can tell you, from experience, that does no good at all.
I was reading your blog...and something that stuck out was something that I have said to alot of people....I also have gotten lots of compliments on my kids. Mostly they say what good parenting we must have done....(usually referring to the girls)....I would feel sick then I would say "if i take credit for them...then i must take credit for [my son]," Most people would try to back track and say something to try to make me feel better. Anyway, thanks for the blog....i will continue to read.
ReplyDeleteA good friend messaged me and said, " I liked what Thich Nhat Hahn said about the topic (paraphrased) If you planted a tree and it was not growing well, would you blame the tree or say that stupid tree isn't growing right. He said no you would look deeply at the matter and see if the tree was getting proper nourishment, light, good soil, etc. The same for the wayward child; to look deeply and not blame but to be able to see what is truly going on. He says to look deeply with compassion, understanding and love for all involved. There is so much more to what he says, and I did not do him justice; however, learning not to judge but see with the eyes of compassion, love, and understanding is the key."
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