My husband had a lot of stress at work during this time, but couldn't be productive at all for worry about what was going on at home. I was working part time and doing all the things to keep our household running, but my mind was always working on preparing for what was coming next. Would my son be coming home high? Would he keep his word and be home on time? If he didn't come home, do we go get him? Will he fail school? Who was he hanging out with? What effect was this whole thing having on our other children? How could I keep my home from being overrun with contention?
I had always invested a lot of time in my relationship with my son. We would talk for hours, just like I did with my dad when I was growing up. When our son really started making rebellious choices, I actually thought if I invested more time, I could influence change. I felt it was like the parable of the lost sheep, and I was leaving the ninety and nine to save the one. I learned this parable didn't necessarily apply in our case. Because while leaving the ninety and nine, I left my husband and three other children to fend for themselves. I seriously think I gave 90% of my physical, emotional and spiritual energy to my son, with 10% left over for my husband and other children.
I felt my husband and I should talk more to our son and try to convince him there was a better way. My husband thought our son already knew what was right and there needed to be consequences for his actions. I am describing our relationship in the extreme, but our different parenting viewpoints were polarizing to our marriage. Because of my husband's love for me, he let me do what I felt I needed to do. Consequently, he and I grew apart. I was pleading with the Lord for help, for understanding. I gleaned little glimpses of understanding while reading my scriptures, pondering while driving in the car, and many other times. But, we weren't together in facing this challenge. And this was no time to be going at it alone.
It wasn't until my son was out of the house at a treatment program that I really began to understand the toll it was taking on my marriage. I understood that my marriage should be paramount to any other relationship but I didn't know how to do that, while still investing the time I felt was needed for my son. I felt broken and our marriage felt wounded. I'm grateful my husband and I had a close relationship before this trial began, and we needed to get back to that if we were going to help our family heal.
Lessons learned: Heavenly Father knew we were going to face this trial long before it happened. He knew this trial was an invitation to come to know Him better. It was a chance for us to learn to rely on Jesus Christ. This is not just a "feel good" belief, but a real, actual doctrine on which to hang all our hopes. If we are to achieve a oneness in marriage, like the Father has with the Son, we had to look to each other and look to God. This was difficult because for so long I had relied on me. I would ask my husband for his counsel, but I really only wanted him to confirm my feelings. I needed to humble myself (even more than this trial already had). I finally began to listen to him (he always listened to me) and we began to work together. It was a trying time for our marriage, but I would say we are definitely stronger because of it.
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